Judgement in times of COVID

I’m struck by feelings I don’t like calling my own. Judgement, especially. I just came back from a trip to the hospital, to get my monthly immunotherapy for allergies. When walking the stairs back up to my apartment, I saw not one, but two people without masks, walking down. I was immediately angered by this, by their conscious or unconscious choice to not wear a mask. I felt like stopping them, and mentioning that there’s people with COVID in the condominium, and if not for others’ sake, then at least for their own, they should consider wearing a mask. But, of course, I didn’t. I continued walking upstairs, with a bitter taste in my mouth. Is this what judgement tastes like: bitter? 

I’ve never considered myself a judgmental person, but I guess COVID’s bringing many things to light. A year ago, a photo of a gathering of more than 3 people would have probably gotten a mindless “like”, and that would have been the end of it. Now, seeing people post and share photos of their sneaky hangouts inevitably sparks this bitter feeling within me. I bathe in this moral judgement for a minute or two -  however long it takes for my heart to step in. Compassion slowly but surely knocks on my door, and asks “why are you feeling this way?”. Is it because I, too, am longing for social time with my loved ones? Is it because I’m worried about them? Scared of the risk they’re taking? Is it because I’ve been “following the rules” and they haven’t? And why is it easier for me to judge others, than it is to picture myself in their shoes?

Collectively, we’re going through the same thing, yet it’s easier for me to picture others as, well… others. than to think of us all as a part of a bigger whole. I’ve been grappling with the concept of “oneness”, and though I understand it (in theory), I don’t life it, feel it, believe it. But I want to. Because the few times I’ve experienced it, it’s been… sweet. 

So i’m recognizing the times judgement shows up inside me. Recognizing… but choosing not to identify with it. Cuz who am I to tell others how to live with this virus? We’re all doing our best. And my best probably looks different than his best and her best but that’s out of my control. All I can focus on is my best. My inner work. Asking myself these questions. And becoming aware of these thoughts, these feelings, so they don’t build up inside of me, and instead, I can let them simply flow through me.